Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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