I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
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I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
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Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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