I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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