I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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