I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
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I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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