i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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