He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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