i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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