Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize