if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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