im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
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In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
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Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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