Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
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After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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