Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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