you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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