I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
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He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Never underestimate the power of titties
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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