i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
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conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
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It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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