I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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