I'm so fucking centered right now
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
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i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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