so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
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your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
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I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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