i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
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Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
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Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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