When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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