I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
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If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
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He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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