this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize