you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
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Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
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How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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