He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
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I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
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I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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