I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
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She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
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It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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