I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
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you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
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P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
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