in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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