i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
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Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
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It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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