Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
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My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
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He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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