He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
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He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
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We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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