mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
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Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
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You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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