Don't make out with my wife yet
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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