Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
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I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
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Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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