Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
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She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
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It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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