Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
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you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
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when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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