Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
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We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
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when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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