How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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