He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
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No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
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She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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