Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
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Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
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You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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