Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
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He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
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Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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