shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm just crazy horny about you
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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