I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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