Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
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I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
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They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I did not marry a roomba.
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