it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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