She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize