I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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