I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
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It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
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My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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