Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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