I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
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toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
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yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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